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Rob rushed into his first session with me, gym bag on one shoulder, briefcase on the other, 10 minutes late and out of breath. He set his bags down, gently put his Blackberry on the table in front of him, and heaved himself onto the couch. He sighed and began: &#;Okay, I&#;m gay, I&#;m married, I hold three kids, and I&#;m not getting divorced.&#; He&#;d distributed some of this information with me in our smartphone conversation, but I was still struck by the meaning of hopelessness in his tone. As he paused, awaiting my response, quite honestly, I was awaiting my response as well. I knew this was not Rob&#;s first experience in therapy and that a lot was riding on what I was about to say.
Rob had been referred by a former client of mine he&#;d met in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Just out of alcohol rehabilitation treatment, he&#;d begun attending AA meetings, where he&#;d shared parts of his story. He described a prolonged struggle with his sexual orientation, growing up in a devoutly Roman Catholic family, where he learned that his sexual attraction
I had the opportunity to discuss with psychotherapist and author Michael Dale Kimmel about his unused book, The Gay Man's Instruction to Open and Monogamous Marriage. Having written a book of my own on modern marriage, I am particularly interested in how Kimmel not only provides a necessarily specific guide for male/male marriages, but also how this wisdom can be utilized by all couples, regardless of gender. Our conversation is below.
MOC: Tell me about The Gay Man's Guide to Unlock and Monogamous Marriage.
MDK: I began offering workshops for gay, attracted to both genders, and transgender men about eighteen years’ ago, and after a couple of years there were always a few guys who came up to me and said (in whispered tones), “You’ve got to put this stuff in a book.” I had no desire to write a book at that time. But I did start writing my advice column, “Life Beyond Therapy” soon after, for local LGBT newspapers. I asked readers to send in questions. (Boy, did they ever!)
Then about five years ago, a writer partner of mine recommended me to a publisher, who asked me to submit an idea for a book. I d
Viewpoint: How has marriage changed life for gay people?
Writer and activist Peter McGraith married his partner David in the first ceremony conducted under the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Proceed covering most of the UK. Here, he asks what effect it's had on gay and queer woman couples - and on marriage itself.
Do we nurture if marriage equality contributes to the demise of gay culture, identity and community?
I do.
We should consider what might be lost, as well as gained, if a novel generation of gay men and lesbians were to rush into marriages without firstly having experienced that blast of emancipation that follows on from the realisation that you are that thing that some people loathe or pity and you feel utterly thrilled with it.
This experience of asserting a positive identity, outside of mainstream sexual morality, makes us question what we've been taught about gender, social hierarchies, religion, the family and the impropriety of sex. And perhaps it encourages us to have mature, rational and honest relationships.
Over 50% of gay men's relationships are sexua